A Heart in the Dark: Wintertime

Posted on December 23rd, 2009 by Maya Christina

Monday was the darkest day of the year, the Winter Solstice. We are now at the deepest point of winter. I love knowing that. I can feel the season turning. At our house we’ve been filling our dark hours with Christmas crafts and keeping our windows steamy with lots of baking. Our tiny apartment is severely, profoundly decked out and we’ve got 6 different Christmas radio stations on our Pandora. Although I love absolutely any excuse to make things and decorate, it’s taken me a few years to fully receive the gift of Christmas brought to me by Matthew and his father and their profound love of the holiday. I’ve needed to go on a little Christmas journey.

When I was 20, my family disowned me at Christmas for being queer. Now so many years later, I rarely ponder on it. We have very little contact. But for years, Christmas served as an anniversary and was re-colored by the experience. The whole season became bittersweet. Over time, I looked for ways to finally make the season my own. Since I see many things as ritual, like making art, living life, cooking dinner, I became aware of the ritualistic elements of Christmas to make deeper sense of it for myself. I researched how it has changed very slowly over time and reflects what’s important to some of our cultures. I love the ancient pagan rituals marked by “raucous partying, gluttonous eating and drinking, and gift-giving as traditions.” It’s interesting to me to see how it’s changed to “more of a public celebration in the streets and alehouses” to the current idea of it being “quietly observed at home around the family hearth.” I trust it will continue to change.

Like any good ritual it serves as a personal marker for the passing years and shows us the long slow shifts in our own life. Our children grow up, we age, our relationships shift, we move, so much. For some of us, Christmas is with us our whole lives as we mature and deepen. But what I’ve learned is absolutely fabulous about Christmas is that while I can notice all this growing up and historical this and that, the most obvious thing rings out the loudest. It’s the time when your grown up self can hook up with your child self with great ease. It’s like Halloween and Dias de los Muertos when the veil is extra thin and we can visit with those in our lives who have dropped their bodies. In the dark, dark of the Christmas season the veil between our grown up self and our child self is thinned! I imagine long ago before we had so many lights, the darkest time of the year was potentially the “scariest” time of the year, especially for the littles. It’s no wonder it became the perfect time of year for a ritual of light and giving. A ritual that over time has retained its fundamental focus: the importance of innocence and wonder and joy—in the dark!

No one shows this to me better than Matthew and his father. It is with great exuberance and power that these two celebrate. Michael, Matthew’s father spares nothing. The roof, the bathroom, the yard, the very air is fully decorated. And he made 7 batches each of 7 different kinds of cookies this year…and, and, and…the season’s music is on, he dances, he knows all the words to all the songs, he just lets go fully into it. He passed this on to Matthew. Me and Zai call it “Christmas Crazy!” With Zai and Matthew, I’ve learned to cut loose more than I thought even possible. We sing the songs, we bake the cookies, we decorate EVERYTHING. Our home and our life feel like we’re making art: the creative force in a giant winter dance.

I am 5 again and finally old enough and soft enough to remember how much I love Christmas. I remember going to midnight mass on Christmas Eve and returning home to find what seemed like “proof” of Santa. I don’t remember the presents, I remember what endures. I remember how much I loved all the lights! I can understand why some of our ancestors felt the need to bring in the light, the special food, the act of generosity: making things and giving them away during the leanest and darkest time of year! For Dias de los Muertos we kiss the ghosts, and in the dark, dark of Solstice/Christmas we return to our innocence. It’s a very good trick. You know, for the kids…Zai said to me the other day that she knew Santa was real because she had seen him. I can see him again too! I love that!